I was at a club with my wife when a beautiful woman came over and said, "Do you want to come to the toilets with me and have some wild sex?"
I said, "Oh, this is awkward... Will you just leave us alone?"
She said, "Oh sorry, I didn't realise you were married."
I said, "I wasn't talking to you."
I'm very embarrassed of my dandruff.
Especially when I'm getting a blowjob
I don't like grudges. My father kept grudges.
I always hated him for it.
I was stood in the pharmacy today, and i said to the lady behind the counter. "Do you have anything that will clear up diarrhea?"
"We have some Imodium plus, if that's what you mean" She replied.
"No, I don't think you understand my question, I've just shit on your floor"
I pranked my girlfriend twice in a space of two days.
Yesterday I drew a tarantula on her rear view mirror, and today at the funeral, I drew one on her cheek.
|All of my passwords are "incorrect" so my computer always tells me if I forget.|
My missus has gone to a work conference for the weekend, I noticed she has forgotten her alarm clock...
I wonder what she's getting up to?
I went up to a girl in a bar yesterday and said, 'My name is Chris, remember that' with a wink.
She cheekily replied, 'Why, will I be screaming it later?'
I said, 'No you won't even know it's me, I'll be wearing my balaclava.'
I couldn't find my keys anywhere and the wife said, "They are always in the last place you look."
Just to prove the stupid bitch wrong, i will continue to look for my keys after i find them.