Friday, 18 February 2011

better late than never!

Been hospital today, me piles giving me severe PITA! (this isn't a joke BTW!)
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I was at a club with my wife when a beautiful woman came over and said, "Do you want to come to the toilets with me and have some wild sex?"
I said, "Oh, this is awkward... Will you just leave us alone?"
She said, "Oh sorry, I didn't realise you were married."
I said, "I wasn't talking to you."

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I'm very embarrassed of my dandruff.

Especially when I'm getting a blowjob

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I don't like grudges. My father kept grudges.

I always hated him for it.

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I was stood in the pharmacy today, and i said to the lady behind the counter. "Do you have anything that will clear up diarrhea?"

"We have some Imodium plus, if that's what you mean" She replied.

"No, I don't think you understand my question, I've just shit on your floor"
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I pranked my girlfriend twice in a space of two days.

Yesterday I drew a tarantula on her rear view mirror, and today at the funeral, I drew one on her cheek.

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All of my passwords are "incorrect" so my computer always tells me if I forget.

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My missus has gone to a work conference for the weekend, I noticed she has forgotten her alarm clock...

I wonder what she's getting up to?

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I went up to a girl in a bar yesterday and said, 'My name is Chris, remember that' with a wink.

She cheekily replied, 'Why, will I be screaming it later?'

I said, 'No you won't even know it's me, I'll be wearing my balaclava.'

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I couldn't find my keys anywhere and the wife said, "They are always in the last place you look."

Just to prove the stupid bitch wrong, i will continue to look for my keys after i find them.

16 comments:

  1. I laughed out loud at the diarrhea one!

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  2. Love the tarantula joke. You have a digusting sense of humor. And by that I mean: You are fucking awesome.

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  3. the incorrect password one is hilarious... all these are very good

    randomramblingggg.blogspot.com

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  4. LMAO the second joke is so messed up!

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  5. Hello man !!!

    Nice post!!

    I wait on my blog $upporting!!

    nice weekend BRO!!

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  6. that last one really gets me

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  7. lol...what the hell at the diarrhea one??

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  8. i love the second to last one. i'm going to use that.

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