Valentines day jokes..

..although they aren't all about Val;entines day, some of them are :-p


I got myself presentable and ready for the annual blow job this morning, but the missus didn't want to know.....

That was a waste of a lemon wet wipe.

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My wife miscarried last night.

She really needs to brush up on her long division skills.

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It's going to be a lonely Valentine's Day, so I've stocked up on tissues and Vaseline.

My wife of many years is away on a business trip, and I've got a cold and chapped lips.

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"What's funny about buying your wife stinging nettles for Valentine's Day?" asked the florist.

"She's blind" I replied.

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It's all about true love on Valentine's Day. That's why I'm ready to give my girlfriend a ring and propose...

...that we break up.

Then I'm gonna put down the phone and continue shagging her sister.

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I've found faking an orgasm can make the experience just as uncomfortable for the prostate examiner.

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With one half of the country on fire and the other half flooded, isn't there some way of folding Australia in half to cancel out both problems?

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I was brutally raped in prison.
If my Dad thinks I'm ever visiting him again, he can fuck the hell off.

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I was having a great wank over a video called 'Filthy Piss-drinking Lesbians' the other day when suddenly it froze and my flash player crashed. A few seconds later a pop-up appeared saying 'Do you want to send a crash report?'

No Adobe, no I fucking don't.

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Gonna have to write my Valentines card left handed..

Can't let my wanking hand see, will ruin the surprise.