Tuesdays blog

I've been tracing my families history on my computer.

Seems like I'm not the only one who watches porn.

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My girlfriend got sick of all the bullying so she finally took a razor to herself to end it all.

It worked - the namecalling stopped since she got rid of the moustache.

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I was told today by my doctor I have an enlarged liver.

I said "That's lucky because I drink a lot".

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I hate predictive text.

I've just told my nana that I want to cum on her face.

It took me ages to write it, got there in the end though.

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I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.
You probably saw our posters.

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I left my phone at home this morning, I've just nipped home at lunchtime to pick it up and my wife had sent me a text at 9:38am saying:

"Hi hun, you've left your phone in the kitchen"

What the fuck am I still doing with this woman?
 
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I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman...

"Mr Cook?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I'm afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike."

I said, "That's fucking bullshit - my dog doesn't have a bike!"

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Teenagers today drink twice as much as they did ten years ago.

To be fair, though, they were only aged between 3 and 9 ten years ago.

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Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"