Monday, 31 January 2011

these are todays - enjoy!

I think that I should be awarded extra marks for avoiding the question in my Politics essay.

I mean, that's how the professionals do it.
I lost my job today because I said the office is full of cunts.

Bit of an overreaction to my opinion about a TV programme I think.
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"
I have blue eyes. I got them from my father.
My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.
Little Johnny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?"
Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a big mac," was the wrong answer.

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it's either her or the internet.

So sadly, this will be my last joke..... in which I talk about having a wife.

Sunday, 30 January 2011

fresh jokes 30 Jan

Sorry for not blogging yestrday, comp went down :(

Men think about sex every seven seconds.

Which is why I eat hot dogs in under six seconds...

so it doesn't get weird!
My dad walked in on me while smoking a joint in one hand, and fapping to porn in the other... How the fuck did he open the door?

I have an itchy prostate

Or at least that's what I'll be saying if I get caught.
I bought my wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here".

A time traveller walks into a bar.
Emma Watson has been quoted as saying she would go naked in a film if asked.

Emma, would you go naked in a film please?

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

26th Jan :-p

I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear...

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes."
Gathered round Uncle Bill's hospital bed, watching the ward's TV and sipping coffee from the vending machine, we reminisced just what a prolific thief he'd been over his life.

As we sat in his front room at home.
I contracted an oral infection, after going down on some slut. It's caused my tongue to swell up.

It's thickening, really.
There really is no sense in running from your problems.

Unless they are lions
I kept getting up late for work so I went to see a doctor who advised that I sleep on a bed of herbs.

Now I always wake up on thyme.
How do deaf people tell the difference between someone coughing and someone mimicking a blowjob?
Bill catches a taxi home one evening, the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive.
Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.
A week later he goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn't have any cash but, if he takes him home he'll give him a blow job.
The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.
Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.
So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.
As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up!
I like this! This is poor.  Edit this
Joke by pureevil in Other - ??? Random - Added: 6 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

today's offerings......

I'm in trouble with the wife, we were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body!

Apparently "identify it" wasn't the right answer.
My morning routine is a bit of a nursery rhyme.

Hump... Tea... Dump... Tea.
When I eat M&Ms I like to hold two of them between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one cracks. The one that cracked gets eaten and the one that didn't becomes the champion. Then I grab the next M&M and force them to compete in a deadly gladiator battle I like to call "Candydome".

I do this until I run out and when there is only one M&M left standing, I send it back to Mars with an attached letter reading "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes". 
Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away' But
since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works
a treat!

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be
honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

There was a really bad traffic accident today...
I tried to help the victims but there was so much blood that I felt sick and had to leave.
I'm sure they'll be okay until a different ambulance gets there.

Monday, 24 January 2011

24th jan jokes

I sat down next to my wife and said, "You look so cute when you're concentrating"
My wife said, "Will you fuck off while I'm trying to have a shit"
Last night I had mind-blowing sex with the prettiest girl in my school.

I am so fired.
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.
I just recieved a rejection letter from "Cupid, Dating Agency" they said i failed my application due to an issue with question #3, "what do you like most in a woman",, Apparently "My Dick" wasnt an acceptable answer..!
      I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a
turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind..

I have a new pick up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I
always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I
ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'


Sunday, 23 January 2011

nu gags 23 Jan

Want to know what really floats my boat?

Archimedes' Principle of Relative Buoyancy.

I put some vodka in my dog's water last night to get him pissed.

But my plan backfired when he couldn't get an erection.

I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought:

"Those bastards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."
As I looked down at my son in his coffin, I thought, 'Why can't the little Emo cunt sleep in a bed like normal teenagers?'

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

She said, "Yes you are."

I said, "No I'm fucking not."

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fucking drunk"

Saturday, 22 January 2011

some jokes to keep you occupied lol

Today I did that thing where you walk into a room and totally forgot what you went in for.

It was only when the shit started running down my leg that I remembered.   


My wife walked in as I was giving my dog a blow job.

She said, "That's disgusting, what do you have to say for yourself?"

I just sat there and said nothing.

She said, "The cat got your tongue?"

I said, "Sometimes".

My girlfriend's really upset 'cos she lost her legs in a car crash yesterday.

How about me? I bought her a pair of jeans for Christmas and can't find the receipt.

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day.
He said, " Only if you make up the time."
I said, " OK. It's 35 past 50."

Friday, 21 January 2011

plastering a wall

When skiming old plaster, make sure there are no nails, tacks, blue-tack,
clumps of wallpaper or any other 'bits' on the wall, if there are, remove
them prior to applying PVA.
Apply PVA generously, don't skimp and give it two coats if possible, the
second after the first has doesn't matter whether you skim over
the pva dry or wet, but any patches not treated with pva will dry almost
immediately and make a bollocks of the trowelling-up process.
To do a long wall, start at one end (point 1) with stepladders and apply a
band across the top of the wall about 2 -3 feet down from the ceiling, all
the way from one end to the other.
Get down, remove steps out of area and apply another band the same width in
the middle of the wall, then, apply the last band whilst you are kneeling
down, don't be tempted to drop back onto what's already covered.
Once the full wall is covered in plaster, start again where you started
originally (point 1) and apply a thin 2nd coat, taking out most of the
imperfetions, don't be too picky, this is still only an initial phase.
Follow the same route over the wall as you did with the 1st coat, until it's
had a 2nd coat and is looking fairly flattish.
Wash implements, hawk, trowels, mixers and buckets.
Start again at point 1 and go over the entire wall with a light splash of
water over about a square metre at a time and take out any imperfections,
repeat this process until you are happy with the finish.
If at any time you are putting more marks in than you are taking out, stop
and wait for 5 minutes to allow the plaster to go off slightly then have
another go, starting from point 1 again.

Friday, 14 January 2011

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