today's offerings......

I'm in trouble with the wife, we were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body!

Apparently "identify it" wasn't the right answer.
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My morning routine is a bit of a nursery rhyme.

Hump... Tea... Dump... Tea.
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When I eat M&Ms I like to hold two of them between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one cracks. The one that cracked gets eaten and the one that didn't becomes the champion. Then I grab the next M&M and force them to compete in a deadly gladiator battle I like to call "Candydome".

I do this until I run out and when there is only one M&M left standing, I send it back to Mars with an attached letter reading "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes". 

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Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away' But
since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works
a treat!

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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be
honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

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There was a really bad traffic accident today...
I tried to help the victims but there was so much blood that I felt sick and had to leave.
I'm sure they'll be okay until a different ambulance gets there.