Thursday, 10 March 2011

sorry bout yesterday...

..couldn't get to computer at all, I'm here now though, here's something to lighten the mood a little:

I caught my son with a packet of cigarettes yesterday. To punish him I tied him up in the garden, doused him in petrol and set him on fire.

I thought it would be enough to teach him a lesson, but I just looked outside and he's still smoking.

I'd been having an affair with my secretary for a while and often suggested we try a little bondage.

I was late this morning and as I walked into my office, I found my secretary, bound and gagged and bent over the desk.

"You little minx," I said, dropping my trousers.

"Your muffled moans are such a turn on," I said, panting heavily, "but I'm still going to have to tell you off, for leaving the safe wide open."


My boss fired me because I was having sneaky cigarettes out the window.

Apparently the smoke was passing into the drivers' cars when they were trying to order their meals.


The kid next door was running round the garden waving an imaginary wand and shouting out spells.
"I bet you really want to be like Harry Potter, don't you?" I asked him.
"Yeah!" he shouted excitedly.
So I killed his parents and locked him under the stairs.


An environmentalist came into my shop today and bought a few bits and bobs. "Would you like a bag for those?" I asked as I began scanning his items.

"Only if they degrade." He replied.

So I took a black marker pen and wrote on it, "The person carrying this bag is a stinking, worthless, hippy cunt."


I picked up some bitch in the club last night. As she was about to start blowing me, she said, "If you come in my mouth, I'll never talk to you again!"
Well how could I refuse an offer like that!


My doctor told me that "1 out of 3 people who start smoking will eventually die."

The other two apparently become immortal.


"I've got a new nickname for you," I told my wife today.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Bambi," I replied.

"Aww, is that 'cos I've got beautiful eyes?" she asked.

"No, it's because I've just killed your mum," I replied.


When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."

They got that wrong!

Turns out I'm actually: "Only pupil who didn't die in a mysterious unexplained accident."

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Today's the eighth (not yesterday!)

As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.

"I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside." I said.

Again, he shouted back.

"I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room." I replied.

A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.

"Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes."


It's my birthday today and this hot girl at work that I've been after for ages, called me over at lunch and led me into one of the store cupboards.
She unzipped my pants and sucked me until I was rock hard, then she lifted her skirt and took off her panties. It was fucking amazing!
As we lay there she said, "I bet that's the best birthday gift you're gonna get."
I said, "Yeah, so far, but I don't know what my Mum's got planned for me yet."
I don't know why she thought that was so funny.

The other night I pulled a girl in a nightclub and brought her back to mine for sex. Just as we were about to get down to business she hesitated, saying:

"I don't want to be just another notch on your bedpost."

"Not to worry", I said as I slipped it in, "I don't count the fat ones."


My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind.


I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andy's mom's toys... especially since they probably have the same names...


I heard a loud buzzing sound coming from my daughters bedroom last night.

As I walked into her room she quickly threw the quilt over herself and shouted, "Dad get out now!" Dad get out now!".

As I quickly shut the door I thought to myself, "Fuck........How big is that wasp?"


If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.


I gotta admit that Beyonce is one fine ass lady.

Everytime she comes on the TV... So do I.


My next door Neighbour's Daughter said that when she gets older she wants to marry me!! -Awwww,. I was touched.

A few minutes later, so was she.


My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.

I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."

She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"

"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a shit."


Monday, 7 March 2011

Mon 8 Mar

I met up with a girl off the Internet, we got chatting and getting to know each other.

She asked, "What do you love doing most in this life?"

I replied, "Probably drinking with friends."

We paused for a few moments....

She asked, "Don't you want to ask me what I love doing most?"

I said, "I don't need to you fat cunt."


So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."


My computer lets me save up to a dozen videos of musical concerts.

It has a 12 gig memory


A girl at work was disgusted when she saw a cum stain on my work trousers.

I apologised and explained I had eaten spaghetti carbonara on my lunch break.

For some reason, pasta really turns me on. 


The worst English pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.

It really was a vile inn.


I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage.
I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer.
He said, "You don't really have much of a case."


I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid bitch"


A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks, "Did you see my face?"

The hostage replies, "Yes."

The robber takes aim and shoots the man in the head.

He turns to the next man. "And did you see my face?"

"No, but my wife caught a glimpse!"


I was talking to a shepherd earlier - he said, " I've got sixty-eight sheep, would you like to round 'em up for me?", So I said, "Okay, you've got seventy"


"I'm going to the doctor," says Mary.

"Why, what's wrong?" asks her best friend Sara.

"I want to ask him how many calories there really are in sperm."

Sara says, "Why worry? If you're swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you're a bit chubby."


Sunday, 6 March 2011

Sun 6th March

I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson.

Not quite sure which race yet.


An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile stop a fella in the street.
The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of an hallucinogenic nature, Sir."


I like going bowling; I always make my name '3 Testicles' on the board.

That way the TV occasionaly says "Congratulations 3 Testicles! You got a spare."

The wife was having a go at me. "Life's just one big joke to you isn't it".

"I don't know what you mean. Sit down darling and let's talk about it".

That's when I pulled her chair away.


"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" quickly became a feminist anthem for women.

Probably because it's really upbeat and fun to do the vacuuming to.


My girlfriend is a feminist.

Which basically means she finds sexist jokes utterly abhorrent until one is made about men.


Just had a water fight over in the park with a bunch of local kids.

I won!

No one's a match for me and my kettle.


My ex-girlfriend could not take criticism.

At least, that was the basic theme of her suicide note.


I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."

Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded."

What fun that was...

Saturday, 5 March 2011

Saturday!! yay!

I got sent out of my biology class today.

When asked 'Can you name a long term effect of obesity?'
I probably shouldn't have said 'Bullying'


My girlfriend is a dirty little minx.
When I cum in her mouth, she likes to gargle with it then let it dribble out of her mouth.

She may be retarded and unable to speak or move, but I'm sure she is enjoying herself.


I failed my driving test again, today. There were a couple of minors.

The examiner said that I was right slowing down by the school, but wolf whistling is a definite no-no.


I accidentally saw my parents having sex last night.

That's the last time I visit that web site.


I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.

"What are you doing?"

"Something I learnt from online porn. It's called 'buffering'."


I asked my girlfriend what she would like most for her birthday earlier.
She put her hand out and twinkled her fingers to me.

A glove it is then.


I tried to watch a youtube video called 'Wheelchair Kid Sings Lady Gaga'

Came up with a message "disabled because of copyright claim."

Bit fucking harsh.


I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties.

My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some Viagra;

And I've bought her a treadmill.


I accidentally sent a picture of my cock to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.


People always say that two heads are better than one.
Until it's their baby.


How come, during the day, the speakers on my computer are too quiet for me to hear them?

But when I sneak down in the middle of the night, go on Porn Hub and set everything to make it nearly silent, the sound of Jenna Haze being fucked in the arse is loud enough to wake the dead?


Friday, 4 March 2011

March fourth posting

The wife told me I should take responsibility for my actions and start admitting when I was wrong.
"Fine," I said, "I should have married your fucking sister."


Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.

Fucking twat just shaved my pubes off.


I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since.

I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.


A girl said to me earlier, "You've got the body of a God, shame it's Buddha!"

I replied, "You've got a face like a princess, shame it's Diana's."

That shut the bitch up.


A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and, as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."


Stephen Hawking has stated that, "God did not create Universe"

If God DID exist, he'd be pretty pissed off. In fact, if I was god I would probably have gone back in time and punished Hawking in some horrible way...

Nope, no sign of that.

I heard that Justin Bieber has a 10 inch cock.

It's in his ass and belongs to Usher.

You will never guess who I just saw at the petrol station - it was that human torch guy from the Fantastic 4 film.
I tried to get his autograph but he just kept rolling around on the floor screaming.


I've got an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.


My girlfriend found my porn collection the other day. Sobbingly she said, "The worst thing is, none of these women even look like me!"
To which I replied, "Well of course not, you've got all your limbs."

Thursday, 3 March 2011

back online!!

following a HDD related disaster :(

Here's some gags to add a bit of cheer...

My missus came home tonight and found me in bed with another woman. She said, "Who the fuck is she?"

I replied, "Don't fucking start. It'll be bad enough trying to explain to her who you are."

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead. =========
My late wife always told me I could get away with murder.

So far, so good.


Gaddafi warns of 2nd vietnam if foreign powers intervene in Libyan conflict.

Yay! Full Metal Jacket sequel!


My wife's a bit like Pinocchio.

Every time she tells me lies, her nose swells up.


What do America's 300,000 battered women have in common?

They just wouldn't fucking listen.

lotta violent ones here today....lets try some sexy ones instead...

A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.

Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.


I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."


My wife has really begun to enjoy our 'rape fantasies'.....
But if she doesn't spit on the end of that strap-on, I wont be going through with it again.

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.