..couldn't get to computer at all, I'm here now though, here's something to lighten the mood a little:
I caught my son with a packet of cigarettes yesterday. To punish him I tied him up in the garden, doused him in petrol and set him on fire.
I thought it would be enough to teach him a lesson, but I just looked outside and he's still smoking.
I'd been having an affair with my secretary for a while and often suggested we try a little bondage.
I was late this morning and as I walked into my office, I found my secretary, bound and gagged and bent over the desk.
"You little minx," I said, dropping my trousers.
"Your muffled moans are such a turn on," I said, panting heavily, "but I'm still going to have to tell you off, for leaving the safe wide open."
My boss fired me because I was having sneaky cigarettes out the window.
Apparently the smoke was passing into the drivers' cars when they were trying to order their meals.
The kid next door was running round the garden waving an imaginary wand and shouting out spells.
"I bet you really want to be like Harry Potter, don't you?" I asked him.
"Yeah!" he shouted excitedly.
So I killed his parents and locked him under the stairs.
An environmentalist came into my shop today and bought a few bits and bobs. "Would you like a bag for those?" I asked as I began scanning his items.
"Only if they degrade." He replied.
So I took a black marker pen and wrote on it, "The person carrying this bag is a stinking, worthless, hippy cunt."
I picked up some bitch in the club last night. As she was about to start blowing me, she said, "If you come in my mouth, I'll never talk to you again!"
Well how could I refuse an offer like that!
My doctor told me that "1 out of 3 people who start smoking will eventually die."
The other two apparently become immortal.
"I've got a new nickname for you," I told my wife today.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Bambi," I replied.
"Aww, is that 'cos I've got beautiful eyes?" she asked.
"No, it's because I've just killed your mum," I replied.
When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."
They got that wrong!
Turns out I'm actually: "Only pupil who didn't die in a mysterious unexplained accident."