I've been tracing my families history on my computer.
Seems like I'm not the only one who watches porn.
My girlfriend got sick of all the bullying so she finally took a razor to herself to end it all.
It worked - the namecalling stopped since she got rid of the moustache.
I was told today by my doctor I have an enlarged liver.
I said "That's lucky because I drink a lot".
I hate predictive text.
I've just told my nana that I want to cum on her face.
It took me ages to write it, got there in the end though.
I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.
You probably saw our posters.
I left my phone at home this morning, I've just nipped home at lunchtime to pick it up and my wife had sent me a text at 9:38am saying:
"Hi hun, you've left your phone in the kitchen"
What the fuck am I still doing with this woman?
I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman...
"Yes," I replied.
"I'm afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike."
I said, "That's fucking bullshit - my dog doesn't have a bike!"
Teenagers today drink twice as much as they did ten years ago.
To be fair, though, they were only aged between 3 and 9 ten years ago.
Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"