Monday, 28 February 2011

no jokes today, dog pictures instead



This is my dog, Cassie, a 6 year old Border Collie cross, she's always carrying toys around the house, and she watches TV all the time she's awake.
When I take her out, she chases rabbits, squirrels and cats, but she doesn't know what to do when she catches one...to be fair, she's never caught a squirrel, but when she corners a cat, it usually sinks it's claws into her and she gets scared and runs off, when she actually stood over a petrified rabbit, with me shouting for her to finish it off, she just strolled away and started chewing grass!! - no rabbit pie for me.
This one is taken at night, so it's a bit dark, and her eyes are glowing like a devil dog's, please note the stuffing from her toys all over the carpet - nawty mutt!

Sunday, 27 February 2011

Sunday 27th

I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion.
They agreed, so, I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."

"It's a fucking deal," my wife said, with a smug look on her face.

"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

 =========

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

The pictures on my computer are worth a long sentence.

=======

Fucking police. The woman over the road stands naked in her window watching me having a wank and I'm the pervert?

======

Roses are Red. Violets are Blue. I suck at poems. Show me your tits.

======

I just got the job as a History teacher at a local school.

In my first lesson I said, 'there are 3 things you need to know about history.'

Ctrl H.
Right Click.
Delete.

========

As I put my glass to the bedroom door, I could hear from the buzzing and the wife's screams, that she'd found my surprise birthday present a day early.

I mean, Where can you hide a hornet's nest for over two days?


======

I've just done something you only normally see in porn films.

I sucked my plumber's cock.


======

I went into Hallmark cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

She said, "Yes, sir."

So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"

======

I don't understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and people clap and cheer.

I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried.

Plus I didn't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.

Saturday, 26 February 2011

It's Saturday!!!

I was walking behind this woman when all of a sudden she turned round and unloaded a can of pepper spray in my face and kicked me hard in the balls.

"Oh god, I'm sorry," she said. "But I heard your footsteps and thought you were going to rape me!"

"Well, I was only trying to catch the last train," I said, as the burning tears and searing pain subsided. "But now you've left me no fucking choice."

========

I've got a great new washing line.

"Hang out the washing, bitch."

========

I was in McDonald's and this stunning young girl took my order.
"I can make it large for you for an extra 30p," she said sweetly.
"I'm afraid you already have," I replied, "but how about a wank for a pound?"
=======

My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'cunt.'

I suppose she's got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother's real name.

=======

I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis.

Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.

=======

When I left home, my mum said, "Don't forget to write."

I thought, "That's unlikely... It's a basic skill, isn't it?"

======

Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.

=======

Honestly the wife does get pissed off over nothing, just yesterday I said to her,

"I don't mean to be patronising, by the way patronising means being spoken down to..."

========

Why is it that people who become ghosts all seem to die with a bedsheet on their heads?

=======

A friend of mine was complaining that there's no real comedic merit to sick jokes; that there's too much reliance on a relatively offensive or risqué punchline.

Anyway, we argued about it for a while and then I raped her.

=======

People can be so 'in your face' these days. Only last night a complete stranger asked me if I preferred legs or breasts.

I told him that, actually, I liked hairy pussys, but it turned out that this wasn't an option with the KFC bargain bucket.

=======

James 'Laid'

I mentioned this on someone's blog yesterday and relaised I hadn't listened to it for a while, so I'll post it here for anyone who isn't familiar with it

Friday, 25 February 2011

TFIF!

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday. He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father.

"Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today?" the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up.

"I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today?"

"Let me give it a guess." Grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for a while, squeezing them, moving them back and forth, takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old."

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father."
 ======

I was talking with my friend the other day when he said "You know, I'm sick of all the times people use 'your mum' as a comeback. It's old, cheap, and overused."

I said: "So's your mum."

=======

My grandad just phoned me and said, "Where are you?"

I said, "I'm in a strip club, getting drunk and snorting cocaine, why?"

He said, "I think somebody has stolen my wallet".

I said, "Don't be stupid, who would steal £185.57 from an old man?"

======

Staggering through town late last night, when I came across a group of women out celebrating.

I shouted the usual for a laugh, "Show me your tits girls."

To my surprise all of them obliged giving me a quick flash before replying back, "Show us your nuts handsome."

So I started licking the lamp post and waving my arms about.

======

I've been trying to teach my mate how to play golf recently but the problem seems to be his drive.

His wife stands on it and doesn't let us out.

======

Looks aren't everything, but you can't wank over personality.

======

I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.
After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the couch.
She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."
I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."


=====

Thursday, 24 February 2011

Thurs 24 Feb....

I used to love school. Sneaking a quick cigarette during lucnh break, fingering girls behind the bike sheds.

Being a janitor was brilliant.

=======

My wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother's funeral.

Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam fingers?

=======

I hired a brass band to celebrate the birth of my child.

I enjoyed it, but I think my wife was a little pissed off with the 15 hour drum roll.

======

When my wife was pregnant for the first time we had a friendly bet going on whether it would be a 'pink' or a 'blue'.

I claimed victory on a technicality when it came out stillborn.

======

My six year old daughter attempted suicide this morning.

She didn't succeed, but her spelling is definitely improving.

======

I walked into the public toilets earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.

The fella laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?"

A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.

What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.

======

I have just finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.

The results were staggering.

======

My wife caught me wanking today.

Unfortunately my cock was between my next door neighbours' tits at the time.

=====

At a recent job interview:

What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?

Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.

And your strengths?


I'm Batman.


====

Wednesday, 23 February 2011

sorry bout missing a day

 not been too well...gonna post these and then do my rounds, got a lot of blogs to catch up on :)
 ====

I was lying next to my new girlfriend and I said, "you're different to all the other girls I've slept with."
She said, "that's because I'm a fella, you twat."

That's what I love about Martin... She's got a great sense of humour.

=======

Sony have announced that they plan to prosecute everyone who's hacked a PS3.

For their next project they're going to piss in the ocean to warm it up.

======

I was fishing with my Italian friend Mario.
"I'm bored," I said. "How can we pass the time?"
"We could have a debate," he replied.
"No thanks," I said, "I've brought sandwiches."

=====

My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my workmate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked!
Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

=====

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife...no seriously, I always remember her last words to me before she passed away, " what the fuck are doing in here with that chainsaw?"

=====

I can't believe how insecure some men are.
I was making a delivery earlier, and when I tried to drop the package off this fella said, "Nah pal, this is pink, I ordered a blue one."

"Sorry mate, but it's not like anyone will be looking at it for too long. We're both adults, does it really matter?" I asked.

He went fucking mental, and insisted I get him a blue one.
I couldn't believe it.

I had to drive all the way back to the children's coffin depot as well.

=========
I'm tired of people calling and joking about stephen Hawking being a computer and only partly human. I, for one, don't believe that at all. To prove that he is a human with emotions, I asked him to send me a poem he made from the heart, he sent me this:

Roses are (hue=394)
violets are (hue=178)
And I wish you----
HTTP service error 404, lost connection.
======

I was way too drunk last night to drive home.

So I drove to another party!!!

Monday, 21 February 2011

2 weeks to live

I've just been given two weeks to live.

The wife's gone away for a fortnight. 

=======

I was chatting up a woman in the pub last night.

She said, "I'm not interested, apparently you're married with 3 kids?"

I said, "No that's not true...... I used to be married with 3 kids".

"Oh, so you're divorced?" she asked.

I said, "No I'm still married, but one of our kids died".

========

Having just adopted a dog, I Googled 'BRINGING UP A PUPPY' and got 25 Korean Bulimia sites
========

The new Justin Bieber film has amazing 3D.

It's almost like you could just reach out and punch him.

======

Contrary to popular belief, chat up lines don't work.

I went up to this girl in the club and said "Did it hurt? When you fell out of heaven"

It's not the best thing to say to a paraplegic.


=======

Sky news -

'Russia in bid for the 2020 Olympic games'

I assume the three legged race will be held in Chernobyl...

======

I went for a drink with a bulimic girl last night. I was worried about mentioning her illness, but once she had a drink down her she brought it up straight away.

=====

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

=====

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

=====

I said, "Can I use our son's room for my snooker table now he's not living here?"
My wife burst into tears and ran out of the room.
I said, "Fucking hell, what's wrong with her?"
The policeman said, " Perhaps it was the wrong time to ask, sir. Try again after the funeral"

Sunday, 20 February 2011

here's sunday's :)

My boss was mocking my attempt to grow a moustache.
He said, "Your mouth looks like my wife's cunt after she's forgotten to shave."
I looked in the mirror and replied, "You're right, it does."

=========

Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager.

It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre.

========

I just saw a group on Facebook - "We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find."

Going by that theory we would also need to find: A liver, a small intestine, a diaphragm...

And a penis.

=======

I secretly put an app on my wife's phone so I can know exactly where she is at any time of the day through GPS.

It's not that I dont trust her. It's just I don't want her suddenly walking in while I'm fucking her sister.

======

A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T.
She looked puzzled and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered,"S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,"T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again,"S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God,It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'
 
 ========
 
I went to the hospital today because I had a sharp pain down below.

The doctor said, "It looks like you have masturbated a bit too hard and you've damaged the tissue inside your penis".

I said, "I don't understand.....I usually just give it a quick wipe, how did the tissue get in there???"
 
=======

My wife helps me live out my necrophilia fantasies by playing dead while I'm fucking her.

It's great, but I've got to admit I do miss the thrill of the dig.

=======
My wife recently found out about all the jokes I posted on here about her... she said she's leaving me but I made it worse by saying she coudint leave because then I would have to joke about my blonde girlfriend.

Friday, 18 February 2011

better late than never!

Been hospital today, me piles giving me severe PITA! (this isn't a joke BTW!)
=====

I was at a club with my wife when a beautiful woman came over and said, "Do you want to come to the toilets with me and have some wild sex?"
I said, "Oh, this is awkward... Will you just leave us alone?"
She said, "Oh sorry, I didn't realise you were married."
I said, "I wasn't talking to you."

=====

I'm very embarrassed of my dandruff.

Especially when I'm getting a blowjob

======

I don't like grudges. My father kept grudges.

I always hated him for it.

======

I was stood in the pharmacy today, and i said to the lady behind the counter. "Do you have anything that will clear up diarrhea?"

"We have some Imodium plus, if that's what you mean" She replied.

"No, I don't think you understand my question, I've just shit on your floor"
======

I pranked my girlfriend twice in a space of two days.

Yesterday I drew a tarantula on her rear view mirror, and today at the funeral, I drew one on her cheek.

=====

All of my passwords are "incorrect" so my computer always tells me if I forget.

====

My missus has gone to a work conference for the weekend, I noticed she has forgotten her alarm clock...

I wonder what she's getting up to?

====

I went up to a girl in a bar yesterday and said, 'My name is Chris, remember that' with a wink.

She cheekily replied, 'Why, will I be screaming it later?'

I said, 'No you won't even know it's me, I'll be wearing my balaclava.'

====

I couldn't find my keys anywhere and the wife said, "They are always in the last place you look."

Just to prove the stupid bitch wrong, i will continue to look for my keys after i find them.

Thursday, 17 February 2011

18th Feb!!

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband, a retired military man, and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'

He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married'

She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?'

He nodded and said 'Yes dear', I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those tits and fuck your brains out.'

She giggled and said; 'So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'

He looked her up and down and said; 'Mission Accomplished’.

=======


A friend of mine told me that Lady Gaga is to do a naked skydive for charity.

You've got to admire her balls.

========

I've bought two 100m tickets for the 2012 Olympics.

You should have seen the size of the envelope they came in.

=======

I was at my Mum's when she said "Russell, you're 29 years old now, when are you going to find a decent girl, one with morals, and not the usual sluts you seem to attract, and settle down"

It was at this point my girlfriend left the room in tears.

=======

Told my girlfriend I'd give her £40 for a blowjob and she wouldn't even have to swallow.

At first she was a little unsure but in the end, she agreed.

She wasn't impressed when I then charged my mate £60 and made myself a nice £20 though.

=======

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field
trip to the local racetrack,  to learn about thoroughbred horses and the
supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would
go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys
was waiting outside the men's room when one of  the boys came out and told her that none
of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting
the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from
their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying
not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate
your help.'



=======


My girlfriend came in angry after a night out with her friends.

"Debbie's boyfriend fucks her twice a day!" She yelled. "Why can't you do that?"

I said, "Because Debbie is an ugly cunt"."

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

sorry about these being late guys

been a busy boy today!

===
When it comes to sex, there's just one thing I don't get!

Consent.

====

I was in prison a while back - I walked in and one of my two cell mates said:

"What are you in for?"

I replied, "Judging by the size of you chaps, I'd say an arse raping."

=====

I have duja ve.

It's the feeling you've been dyslexic before.

=====

Did you know that dolphins are the only animals other than humans to enjoy having sex?

A fair argument in my point of view, but I still got banned from SeaWorld

=====

As my son was going out the door he said, "Dad, give me a condom".

I said, "Er.... Aren't you forgetting something?"

He said, "Oh yeah, your balaclava".

"Good lad".

=====

1. There's more than one way to skin a cat.

2. A cat has nine lives.

During an experiment to find out if number 1 is true, I proved that number 2 is false.

=====

A female friend of mine is getting married in the next few months, and has invited me to come dress shopping with them. I can't go though, I've got this thing...

A penis.

======

The good news is Justin Bieber has been spotted with a bald head.
The bad news is, its not cancer.

=====

What's white and sticky?

The branch I'm sitting on outside my neighbours window.

====

Did a physical and mental work out today...

Masturbated without porn.

====

I got on the bus the other day and said to the driver
"Return, please."
"Where to?", he asked.
"Poland, you cunt."

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Here's today's gems :-p

hope everyone had a happy valentine's day, I watched Die Hard 4.0 again, accompanied by a 24 pack of cider, so all in all, it was a success!
===

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

=====

My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her vagina so that it felt as though you were getting a blow job.

Which is why I divorced her, because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth, she sounded like a cunt.
======

I proposed to my girlfriend yesterday. But my family are all against it, they think its wrong and this should never be allowed to happen.

Especially my wife.

======

I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you fucking idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"

======

So the new Justin Bieber movie is rated a 12.

That's gonna be embarrassing, not getting into your own film.

=====

I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, ''I love you.''

She said, ''Is that you or the beer talking?''

I replied, ''Its me . . . . . . . talking to the beer!''
=======

MSN News has reported: Hippo caught on camera, chasing boat.

I think you will find that it was my wife, and she was Waterskiing.

======

Paddy and Murphy are sitting at home. Paddy's reading his new joke book when he shouts, "Murphy close them fucking blinds quick!"

"Why, what's up Paddy?" asks Murphy.

Paddy replies, "Some cunt has been fucking spying on us!"

======

I'm so out of practice. Me and the wife filmed our sex tonight to submit for others' enjoyment. It was over so fast I managed to upload it as a jpeg.

=====

And remember, life is like a penis, it just gets hard for no apparent reason :)

Monday, 14 February 2011

Valentines day jokes..

..although they aren't all about Val;entines day, some of them are :-p


I got myself presentable and ready for the annual blow job this morning, but the missus didn't want to know.....

That was a waste of a lemon wet wipe.

========

My wife miscarried last night.

She really needs to brush up on her long division skills.

=======

It's going to be a lonely Valentine's Day, so I've stocked up on tissues and Vaseline.

My wife of many years is away on a business trip, and I've got a cold and chapped lips.

========

"What's funny about buying your wife stinging nettles for Valentine's Day?" asked the florist.

"She's blind" I replied.

======

It's all about true love on Valentine's Day. That's why I'm ready to give my girlfriend a ring and propose...

...that we break up.

Then I'm gonna put down the phone and continue shagging her sister.

=========

I've found faking an orgasm can make the experience just as uncomfortable for the prostate examiner.

========

With one half of the country on fire and the other half flooded, isn't there some way of folding Australia in half to cancel out both problems?

=======

I was brutally raped in prison.
If my Dad thinks I'm ever visiting him again, he can fuck the hell off.

=======

I was having a great wank over a video called 'Filthy Piss-drinking Lesbians' the other day when suddenly it froze and my flash player crashed. A few seconds later a pop-up appeared saying 'Do you want to send a crash report?'

No Adobe, no I fucking don't.

=======

Gonna have to write my Valentines card left handed..

Can't let my wanking hand see, will ruin the surprise.

Sunday, 13 February 2011

13th Feb!

For fuck's sake, what a mess to sort out. I can't believe I've mixed their Valentines cards up.

The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to fuck her.

========

A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?"

The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."

=========

I gave blood today. I know it's not the best gift to give my wife for Valentine's Day.

But it came from the heart.

=========

My girlfriend just told me she thinks my brother is a real ugly cunt.

I wouldn't mind, but he's my identical twin!

=========

I spent 10 years bodybuilding, I dyed my hair black and coifed it perfectly, and got large black glasses all for one reason; So that one day, in a job interview, I could give the perfect answer to a stupid question they always ask: "What would you say is your greatest weakness?"

I would slowly raise my hand, take off my large black glasses, look them in the eye and say,

"Kryptonite"

=========

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

========

I was walking through the woods with a young lady and she suddenly burst into tears and said 'I'm Scared..'
'Why the hell are you scared?', I replied, 'It's me that has to walk back on my own..'

========

I hate it when women say, "all men want is sex." It's a stereotype and total bullshit...

A blow job would be nice too...

========

I Impress cool people by telling them I'm involved with drugs and have different people in my bed daily.

I don't tell them I'm a Doctor though.

=======

I went to the national history museum yesterday

I said to the guy " how old is that dinosaur?"

he said " 16 million years 14 months 3 days And 12 hours"

I said " that's amazing, how do you know that accuratly?"

he said " it was 16 million years old when I started work here and I have been here for 14 months 3 days and 12 hours"

Saturday, 12 February 2011

saturday's all new stuff!!

I was talking to my wife today after our son got sent home early from school for swearing.

I said 'Apparently, he said the 'c' word'

She said 'Well that wasn't clever was it?'

I replied 'No...it was 'cunt'.

==========

You can tell a lot about a person by their car....
For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.

=========

Last year on Valentine's Day my fiancée of 5 years bought me a lottery ticket and I won £6.2 million.


I often wonder what she's doing these days..

=========

I thought I'd got lucky yesterday morning when my wife text me to tell me she was packing her bags, jumping in the car and fucking off to her mothers for some ''me time''.

My happiness soon subsided when I got home from work with a prostitute to find the bitch was still trying to reverse off the driveway.

=======

After Richard Branson sacked me from his airline I set up a website in protest.
I'm stunned by the support so far - I've had 123 million hits!!
Visit FuckVirgin.com to pledge your support.

========

BBCNEWS REPORT:
'Soldier killed by sniper missed by many",

Except the sniper.

========

My wife asked me to get her something for valentines day that would make her heart skip a beat.

I hope she likes Crack...

=======

I fucking hate the way everyone exploits Valentine's day by putting their prices up.

I just paid £40 for two Rohypnol.

=======

I got in a load of trouble at the farm recently with my German boss.

Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs.

=======

I like to tell my wife little white lies to keep her happy.

"No, your bum doesn't look big in that dress."

"No dear, you aren't wearing too much make-up."

"No, I'm not fucking your sister."

=======

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as it comes home, it rushes and fucks all the 150 hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Farmer gets tense now. Next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks and the geese. Later, the farmer finds the cock pale, half-dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "Ssshhh. They're about to land!!"

Friday, 11 February 2011

11 Febz lulz

After a night out, I dropped the wife off and drove the babysitter home.

As we pulled up outside her house, I turned to thank her and noticed she was struggling to find the door handle.

I stretched across, my arm softly brushing against her breast.

"Oh, sorry about that," I said apologetically.

"That's Ok," she replied, with a certain glint in her eye, "I liked it."

I thought to myself, "Fuck, she's up for it, do I take a chance?"

As I nervously moved forward to kiss her, she slowly closed her eyes and opened her mouth, our tongues met. I slipped my hand up her skirt and before I knew it, we'd had the most mind-blowing sex in the car.

After, I breathlessly said,"Thanks mum, same time next week, yeah?" 
========
Boy: Hi
Girl: What?
Boy: How are you?
Girl: Do I know you?
Boy: I'm rich
Girl: Hi, I am Emma I'm 20 nice to meet you!
Boy: No no, "Rich" is my name
Girl: Sorry I don't talk to people I don't know.
========
My wife asked me for some money for a new outfit for a night out with the girls.
"Fuck off, I give you enough money."
"Are you scared I might look nice and run away forever with a fella I might meet?"
"Here's my credit card, go fucking mental."
=========
I got sent out of class today at school.
The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if I called them!?'
I replied, "Hello?"
=======
I've just finished building Rome with my kid's Lego.

Took me a day.
========
I've been wrongly accused of sexual harassment in the workplace, the complainant stating my 'hand brushed against her buttocks'.

I utterly refute this allegation.

It was my penis.
========
My ex-girlfriend said the chance of me making her scream with something only 4 inches long was non-existent. I believe I proved her wrong with my Swiss army knife

Thursday, 10 February 2011

today's jokes, 10th feb :-)

I said to the wife, 'You've got to admit that's a bit weird love'

'What?' She replied, '... I'm not the first person to breastfeed an eight year old boy!'

'No.... But I bet you're the only one who lets him finger you at the same time.'
=========
I can't wait for the midnight premiere of Justin Bieber's movie!

I don't give a shit about the film or anything, but dozens of teenage girls leaving the cinema in the middle of the night is an opportunity I'm not going to pass up.
=======
I'm not sure what I find more disturbing.

My mum being so adamant that my sister's a lesbian.

Or my dad winking while he says, "She's not, son...

...Trust me!"
=======
After me and my wife recently got divorced I'm in a really odd place.

I think it's called a kitchen.
======
Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into... that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.

Also seven has a hook for a hand, which is very scary. 
=========
Every night I have a recurring dream that my best friend is sucking my dick.

Should I tell him that he's gay?
=======
I'm writing a comic about a group of religious superheroes

A-Men!
=======
I fell asleep watching the Country Music Awards. When I woke up I was missing 4 teeth and I was married to my sister
========
Unbelievable.
I've just walked in on my twin 13 year old daughters pleasuring themselves with a deck of cards.

How am I supposed to deal with them now?
=======
Me and my missus were talking about wet dreams and fantasies.
I told her, "I once had one involving Beyonce"
She said, "Oh did you now? The last one I had involved meatloaf."
I said, " That doesn't surprise me you fat cunt."

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

9 Feb

In my household, I bring home the Bacon. My girlfriend carries the rest of the shopping.
=========
When my wife handed me divorce papers at first I didn't know what to make of them.
In the end I decided on paper aeroplanes.
========
I tried masturbating with my left hand today.
Unfortunately it didn't work so I went back masturbating with my penis again.
======
A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor', that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Josh,. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't
eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
========
My wife does this amazing thing with an ice cube in her mouth....
She shuts the fuck up for 5 minutes.
========
I have to go to the doctors, I was checking my scrotum for lumps and discovered that one of my testicles is considerably larger than the other two....That can't be good.
======
My wife fell asleep in her bra last night.

The fat bitch used it as a hammock.
======
A friend of mine hung himself in a modern art gallery.
It was three weeks before anyone noticed.
=======
I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you stupid bitch."
=====
"This is the last time I'm going to tell you", I said to my daughter, "You can't have a mobile phone until you're fourteen".

"That's so unfair", she screamed, "What am I supposed to use if I think I'm about to be raped?"

"Don't worry love, I've already thought about that", I replied, handing her a small parcel, "Here's your new camcorder."
=====
My wife gets mad when we show people the baby and I announce, " I made that with my cock!."



                     

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Tuesday 8th Feb

I've been scarred for life since my wife died.

I burnt my arm on the fucking iron.
==========
On my tombstone I want it to say:

'I didnt forward the text message to 15 friends'
==========
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
========
I have a superiority complex - a su-per-e-ority com, oh never mind, I'll just wait here while you Google the definition.
=========
What do illegal immigrants and sperm have in common?

Millions of the fuckers flood in but only one works.
 =======
Egyptian President Mubarak said President Obama doesn't understand Egyptian culture. Man, get off your high camel.
===========
I went for a meal with my family. I'd ordered food for me and the wife, when the waiter asked, "What would your son like?"

I said, "The Kid's special?"

He said, "I'm sorry to hear that, Sir. I'll get him some spaghetti hoops and a bib."
=======
My girlfriend's pretty dumb, everything goes over her head.

Fortunately, so do both her feet. So we're still good.
=======
I get complaints from my neighbours because I always walk about my garden wearing only my boxer shorts.
I don't see what the problem is, I think they make a lovely hat.
=======
I found a half frozen bird as I walked to my girlfriend's house so I put it in my pocket to give it a chance of survival.
When I showed her, she told me how much she loved me for being so sensitive, so I thought I'd try for a bit of sex.
She said "Please, not in front of the chilled wren".

Monday, 7 February 2011

They Might be Giants-Birdhouse In Your Soul

Feb 7th jokes:

Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she says, "Remember, you have a wife"
======
I've just been to see Colin Firth in 'The King's Speech'.

I can't believe he's up for an Oscar. The cunt could barely remember his lines.
=======
I've just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.

Fucking twat just shaved my pubes off.!
======
My secretary sidled into the office, short skirt, black stockings and low cut top. She bent at the waist at the filing cabinet and looked back giving me a suggestive look.

I said, "Twenty years ago I would have bent you over that desk and given you a right seeing to."

She replied, "Oh I don't think your too old."

"It's not me that's too old dear."
========
I find hamsters really amusing.

They never make me laugh out loud, but they tickle me on the inside.
======
This valentines, I thought I'd go by the phrase 'I love you, more than words can say.' So I wrote fuck all in her card! - In fact, there was no card. Truth be told, there's no girlfriend. I wank a lot
======
" Mummy, I'm glad that I wasn't born in France",

" Ah, why's that dear? Because you can't speak French?",

" No, because they're cunts ".
=====
Saw my ex wife broke down on the road this morning and ended up being late for work.

I had to drive by six times before the bitch noticed me laughing at her.
=====
I'm ready for work at five every morning.

All I need now is a job.
=====
Three drunk men jumped in a taxi after a heavy night of binging. The taxi driver figured they were wasted, so when the men got in the taxi he switched on the engine, then switched it off again and told them they'd arrived.
The first guy gave him the money, the second guy said thanks, but the third guy gave him a slap.
The taxi driver was stunned as he didn't think they would realise the taxi hadn't moved an inch.
So he asked, "What was that for?"
The man replied "Control your speed next time, you could have killed us".

added get this -------->

added 'get this' to my blog - it's a handy way to see who's following you regularly.
Got it from another blogger I visit, it takes less than a minute to install and it shows the top 10 visitors, cool!

Sunday, 6 February 2011

sixth Febuary posting

My wife asked me "What do you like most about me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

I looked at her from head to toe and replied, "Your sense of humour"
=======
I saw an episode of 'Maury' the other day entitled 'Did my man cheat on me because I only have one leg?'

Allow me to save you 45 minutes of back-and-forth fuck-wittery.

Yes.

Yes he did.
=======
Today, my wife told me I am immature and need to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house now?

She said if I don't start acting my age and being more mature, it's going to erect a fence between us.

Hahaha 'erect'!
====
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water:-

Number 1 and number 2.
======
As a grown man I feel awkward admitting that I still play with my train set, so I hide it under the duvet.

No one will find it now, I've covered my tracks.
======
Life is like a box of chocolates.

Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.
====
The other day I was having a long argument with a man that burglary is ok.

Sadly he disagreed with me and sentenced me to 2 years inside.
=====
the good thing about getting old is that muti tasking becomes much easier - you can sneeze, fart and piss your self all at the same time.
=====
My missus caught me jacking off yesterday.
She said, "If I knew you were desperate I would have given you sex."
I said, "If I was desperate I would have asked."

Saturday, 5 February 2011

sorry bout these arriving late..

...but got totally ultra drunk last nite with some chums, me head feels like there's a flock of geese living in it :-(

Two dinosaurs walked on the beach right up to the waters edge looking at the boat sailing off in the distance.

One said, "Fuck off then Noah you cunt."
=======
My first thought when I woke up today was, 'Thank God I'm not Egyptian.'

Not because of the political unrest over there; I'm just racist!...say what you like about Egypt...

No seriously, they don't have the internet, they won't find out. =========
I've just had a tattoo done on my arse which says, "If you're reading this, we're in prison."
=======
Midgets..

First to smell a fart and last to find out it's raining.
======
I was telling my gran that I was taking this fit girl camping next week.
She asked, "Are you pitching a tent?"
I said, "Nah, just nursing a semi."
=======
When a person with a bad limp gets drunk, do they walk normal?
======
Me and my friend were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography.

Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.
======
Every new Mcdonalds creates 40 jobs.

20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons
======
BBC NEWS: "Libraries protest day being held."

"Whadda we want?!"

"Shhhh!"

Friday, 4 February 2011

thinking of buying a laptop...any views?

todays new stuff

A friend said, "My son has been in a wheelchair since he was born".
I said, "That must have hurt like fuck for your wife".
======
A fat kid comes home from school and says to his Mother "I got the highest score in PE today."

"Well done," says his Mother.

"By the way Mum, what is BMI?"
========
Did you know that Sean Connery's 80
Roger Moore's 83
Pierce Brosnan's 57
Daniel Craig's 42....oh yeah!

To explain, I'm really into Bond age!
========
I don't believe in all that stuff about God being the Architect of the world.

But if he was, I don't like the man.

Nobody in their right mind would get bored of dinosaurs.
========
My wife runs the local Weight Watchers group and it's her job to weigh and measure the members.

She calls herself a 'Diet Progress Manager'...

...I call her a chubby checker.
========
I dropped my mobile phone in the bath yesterday.

I said to my wife, "My phone is fucked".

She said, "It might still work, have you tried ringing it?"

I said, "Yes, but not much water is coming out".  ======
President Mubarak ... like Robinson Crusoe after an argument.

He's leaving Friday.
=======
Yesterday the girl I'm seeing said ''I don't want it up the arse''.......

I told her it was tradition for the person with the knife to make those decisions.
======

My girlfriend is blaming me for her miscarriage.
I have to admit, it was an awkward fisting session.

The Cranberries - Zombie

Thursday, 3 February 2011

new poll

set up a joke poll on the right if anyone fancies a go (it's just a ploy to find out how many fems view my blog!)

todays jokes...

I was in the hospital earlier and had a cancer scare.

A bald kid jumped out at me.
====
Egypt is insane! I've never seen so many poor people beg for change!
====
I was trying to take a sly up-skirt photo of the girl sitting opposite me on the train today, the shock on her face when she heard the camera noise!

Things got worse when the Polaroid came out...
====
My friends say that I'm gay because I don't like football.

What a bunch of idiots.

I'm gay because I like cock.
=====
Some universities have Women Studies, but no Men Studies. That's pretty sexist, but then I realised we do have Men Studies.

It's called History.
====
I was vacuuming the other day when I tripped on the cord and landed on the nozzle, which violently entered my anus.

I was highly embarrassed and spent half an hour in the hospital waiting room desperately trying to convince everyone that I had actually been fucking myself with the hoover and that my wife does all the cleaning.
=====

I was in an English exam and they asked "Write the past tense of 'Think'"
I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'
=====
I don't understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and people clap and cheer.

I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried.

Plus I didn't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Manic Street Preachers: From Despair to Where-better quality

feb second...

My New Year's resolution is to stop leaving things so late.
========
Last night, I punched my wife right in the mouth as I was angry at my sub-standard cold dinner.

On reflection, I may have over-reacted.

We were in a restaurant at the time.
=====
When I met Tom Cruise in a bar in Los Angeles I asked him what annoyed him most about being famous.

"That's easy", he replied, "It's all the libellous things that people write about me".

And then he got down on his knees and sucked my cock.
=========
Calling out your ex-girlfriend's name during sex is a nice way to show your current girlfriend that you won't forget her either after you leave her.
========
My girlfriend talked me into getting a circumcision.

I tried to book an appointment at my local surgery for today, but apparently i've missed the cut off point.
======
My wife walked in on me wanking over an optical illusion.

I said, "It's not what it looks like."
======
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself  thinking that she
probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit - well, more than a bit...
We had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever  had a  "Sportsman's Double?"
"What's that,"  I asked, "It's a mother and daughter  threesome" she said.
"Oh" I said as my mind began to embrace  the idea. "No, I  haven't" as I
wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
So we drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was "my lucky
night".
I went back to her place -  We walked in.
She turned on the hall light, and shouted upstairs..
"We're gonna to party, Mom - you still awake?!"

=========
Whats the difference between "Iron Man " and "Iron  Woman"?
One is a super hero the other is an instruction !!

thanks for all the follows guise

 it's much appreciated, and you can be sure that I'll do everything I can to help you too!

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

new month, new jokes!

Bloke goes into a bar and shouts "You lot over there are a bunch of bastards! And you you lot over there are a bunch of cunts!"
A massive bloke gets up and says "Hey mate I aint a fuckin bastard!"
So the fella says "Well get over there with the cunts then"
=======
Went to the Apple store and saw they had a sign in the window: "Apply within."

Well, what the fuck else is it going to be inside? Orangy?
=========
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?

A dead Centipede.
======
I have been pooping in a big box outside my bedroom for the last couple of weeks.

Felt it was time I got my shit together.
======
If you get an email or text about catching swine flu from tinned pork - ignore it. Its just spam.
======
My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo. =======
Do dyslexic men like their ducks sicked, or would they prefer to cook socks?