I was talking to my wife today after our son got sent home early from school for swearing.
I said 'Apparently, he said the 'c' word'
She said 'Well that wasn't clever was it?'
I replied 'No...it was 'cunt'.
You can tell a lot about a person by their car....
For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.
Last year on Valentine's Day my fiancée of 5 years bought me a lottery ticket and I won £6.2 million.
I often wonder what she's doing these days..
I thought I'd got lucky yesterday morning when my wife text me to tell me she was packing her bags, jumping in the car and fucking off to her mothers for some ''me time''.
My happiness soon subsided when I got home from work with a prostitute to find the bitch was still trying to reverse off the driveway.
After Richard Branson sacked me from his airline I set up a website in protest.
I'm stunned by the support so far - I've had 123 million hits!!
Visit FuckVirgin.com to pledge your support.
'Soldier killed by sniper missed by many",
Except the sniper.
My wife asked me to get her something for valentines day that would make her heart skip a beat.
I hope she likes Crack...
I fucking hate the way everyone exploits Valentine's day by putting their prices up.
I just paid £40 for two Rohypnol.
I got in a load of trouble at the farm recently with my German boss.
Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs.
I like to tell my wife little white lies to keep her happy.
"No, your bum doesn't look big in that dress."
"No dear, you aren't wearing too much make-up."
"No, I'm not fucking your sister."
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as it comes home, it rushes and fucks all the 150 hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Farmer gets tense now. Next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks and the geese. Later, the farmer finds the cock pale, half-dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "Ssshhh. They're about to land!!"