here's sunday's :)

My boss was mocking my attempt to grow a moustache.
He said, "Your mouth looks like my wife's cunt after she's forgotten to shave."
I looked in the mirror and replied, "You're right, it does."

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Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager.

It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre.

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I just saw a group on Facebook - "We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find."

Going by that theory we would also need to find: A liver, a small intestine, a diaphragm...

And a penis.

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I secretly put an app on my wife's phone so I can know exactly where she is at any time of the day through GPS.

It's not that I dont trust her. It's just I don't want her suddenly walking in while I'm fucking her sister.

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A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T.
She looked puzzled and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered,"S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,"T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again,"S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God,It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'

 

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I went to the hospital today because I had a sharp pain down below.

The doctor said, "It looks like you have masturbated a bit too hard and you've damaged the tissue inside your penis".

I said, "I don't understand.....I usually just give it a quick wipe, how did the tissue get in there???"

 

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My wife helps me live out my necrophilia fantasies by playing dead while I'm fucking her.

It's great, but I've got to admit I do miss the thrill of the dig.

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My wife recently found out about all the jokes I posted on here about her... she said she's leaving me but I made it worse by saying she coudint leave because then I would have to joke about my blonde girlfriend.