I used to love school. Sneaking a quick cigarette during lucnh break, fingering girls behind the bike sheds.
Being a janitor was brilliant.
My wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother's funeral.
Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam fingers?
I hired a brass band to celebrate the birth of my child.
I enjoyed it, but I think my wife was a little pissed off with the 15 hour drum roll.
When my wife was pregnant for the first time we had a friendly bet going on whether it would be a 'pink' or a 'blue'.
I claimed victory on a technicality when it came out stillborn.
My six year old daughter attempted suicide this morning.
She didn't succeed, but her spelling is definitely improving.
I walked into the public toilets earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.
The fella laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?"
A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.
What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.
I have just finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.
The results were staggering.
My wife caught me wanking today.
Unfortunately my cock was between my next door neighbours' tits at the time.
At a recent job interview:
What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?
Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.
And your strengths?