TFIF!

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday. He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father.

"Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today?" the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up.

"I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today?"

"Let me give it a guess." Grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for a while, squeezing them, moving them back and forth, takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old."

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father."
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I was talking with my friend the other day when he said "You know, I'm sick of all the times people use 'your mum' as a comeback. It's old, cheap, and overused."

I said: "So's your mum."

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My grandad just phoned me and said, "Where are you?"

I said, "I'm in a strip club, getting drunk and snorting cocaine, why?"

He said, "I think somebody has stolen my wallet".

I said, "Don't be stupid, who would steal £185.57 from an old man?"

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Staggering through town late last night, when I came across a group of women out celebrating.

I shouted the usual for a laugh, "Show me your tits girls."

To my surprise all of them obliged giving me a quick flash before replying back, "Show us your nuts handsome."

So I started licking the lamp post and waving my arms about.

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I've been trying to teach my mate how to play golf recently but the problem seems to be his drive.

His wife stands on it and doesn't let us out.

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Looks aren't everything, but you can't wank over personality.

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I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.
After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the couch.
She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."
I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."


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