sorry bout missing a day

 not been too well...gonna post these and then do my rounds, got a lot of blogs to catch up on :)
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I was lying next to my new girlfriend and I said, "you're different to all the other girls I've slept with."
She said, "that's because I'm a fella, you twat."

That's what I love about Martin... She's got a great sense of humour.

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Sony have announced that they plan to prosecute everyone who's hacked a PS3.

For their next project they're going to piss in the ocean to warm it up.

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I was fishing with my Italian friend Mario.
"I'm bored," I said. "How can we pass the time?"
"We could have a debate," he replied.
"No thanks," I said, "I've brought sandwiches."

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My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my workmate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked!
Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

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"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife...no seriously, I always remember her last words to me before she passed away, " what the fuck are doing in here with that chainsaw?"

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I can't believe how insecure some men are.
I was making a delivery earlier, and when I tried to drop the package off this fella said, "Nah pal, this is pink, I ordered a blue one."

"Sorry mate, but it's not like anyone will be looking at it for too long. We're both adults, does it really matter?" I asked.

He went fucking mental, and insisted I get him a blue one.
I couldn't believe it.

I had to drive all the way back to the children's coffin depot as well.

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I'm tired of people calling and joking about stephen Hawking being a computer and only partly human. I, for one, don't believe that at all. To prove that he is a human with emotions, I asked him to send me a poem he made from the heart, he sent me this:

Roses are (hue=394)
violets are (hue=178)
And I wish you----
HTTP service error 404, lost connection.
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I was way too drunk last night to drive home.

So I drove to another party!!!