Tuesday 8th Feb

I've been scarred for life since my wife died.

I burnt my arm on the fucking iron.
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On my tombstone I want it to say:

'I didnt forward the text message to 15 friends'
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
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I have a superiority complex - a su-per-e-ority com, oh never mind, I'll just wait here while you Google the definition.
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What do illegal immigrants and sperm have in common?

Millions of the fuckers flood in but only one works.
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Egyptian President Mubarak said President Obama doesn't understand Egyptian culture. Man, get off your high camel.
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I went for a meal with my family. I'd ordered food for me and the wife, when the waiter asked, "What would your son like?"

I said, "The Kid's special?"

He said, "I'm sorry to hear that, Sir. I'll get him some spaghetti hoops and a bib."
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My girlfriend's pretty dumb, everything goes over her head.

Fortunately, so do both her feet. So we're still good.
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I get complaints from my neighbours because I always walk about my garden wearing only my boxer shorts.
I don't see what the problem is, I think they make a lovely hat.
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I found a half frozen bird as I walked to my girlfriend's house so I put it in my pocket to give it a chance of survival.
When I showed her, she told me how much she loved me for being so sensitive, so I thought I'd try for a bit of sex.
She said "Please, not in front of the chilled wren".