I've been scarred for life since my wife died.
I burnt my arm on the fucking iron.
On my tombstone I want it to say:
'I didnt forward the text message to 15 friends'
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
I have a superiority complex - a su-per-e-ority com, oh never mind, I'll just wait here while you Google the definition.
What do illegal immigrants and sperm have in common?
Millions of the fuckers flood in but only one works.
Egyptian President Mubarak said President Obama doesn't understand Egyptian culture. Man, get off your high camel.
I went for a meal with my family. I'd ordered food for me and the wife, when the waiter asked, "What would your son like?"
I said, "The Kid's special?"
He said, "I'm sorry to hear that, Sir. I'll get him some spaghetti hoops and a bib."
My girlfriend's pretty dumb, everything goes over her head.
Fortunately, so do both her feet. So we're still good.
I get complaints from my neighbours because I always walk about my garden wearing only my boxer shorts.
I don't see what the problem is, I think they make a lovely hat.
I found a half frozen bird as I walked to my girlfriend's house so I put it in my pocket to give it a chance of survival.
When I showed her, she told me how much she loved me for being so sensitive, so I thought I'd try for a bit of sex.
She said "Please, not in front of the chilled wren".