9 Feb

In my household, I bring home the Bacon. My girlfriend carries the rest of the shopping.
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When my wife handed me divorce papers at first I didn't know what to make of them.
In the end I decided on paper aeroplanes.
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I tried masturbating with my left hand today.
Unfortunately it didn't work so I went back masturbating with my penis again.
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A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor', that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Josh,. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't
eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
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My wife does this amazing thing with an ice cube in her mouth....
She shuts the fuck up for 5 minutes.
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I have to go to the doctors, I was checking my scrotum for lumps and discovered that one of my testicles is considerably larger than the other two....That can't be good.
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My wife fell asleep in her bra last night.

The fat bitch used it as a hammock.
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A friend of mine hung himself in a modern art gallery.
It was three weeks before anyone noticed.
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I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you stupid bitch."
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"This is the last time I'm going to tell you", I said to my daughter, "You can't have a mobile phone until you're fourteen".

"That's so unfair", she screamed, "What am I supposed to use if I think I'm about to be raped?"

"Don't worry love, I've already thought about that", I replied, handing her a small parcel, "Here's your new camcorder."
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My wife gets mad when we show people the baby and I announce, " I made that with my cock!."