13th Feb!

For fuck's sake, what a mess to sort out. I can't believe I've mixed their Valentines cards up.

The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to fuck her.

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A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?"

The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."

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I gave blood today. I know it's not the best gift to give my wife for Valentine's Day.

But it came from the heart.

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My girlfriend just told me she thinks my brother is a real ugly cunt.

I wouldn't mind, but he's my identical twin!

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I spent 10 years bodybuilding, I dyed my hair black and coifed it perfectly, and got large black glasses all for one reason; So that one day, in a job interview, I could give the perfect answer to a stupid question they always ask: "What would you say is your greatest weakness?"

I would slowly raise my hand, take off my large black glasses, look them in the eye and say,

"Kryptonite"

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A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

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I was walking through the woods with a young lady and she suddenly burst into tears and said 'I'm Scared..'
'Why the hell are you scared?', I replied, 'It's me that has to walk back on my own..'

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I hate it when women say, "all men want is sex." It's a stereotype and total bullshit...

A blow job would be nice too...

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I Impress cool people by telling them I'm involved with drugs and have different people in my bed daily.

I don't tell them I'm a Doctor though.

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I went to the national history museum yesterday

I said to the guy " how old is that dinosaur?"

he said " 16 million years 14 months 3 days And 12 hours"

I said " that's amazing, how do you know that accuratly?"

he said " it was 16 million years old when I started work here and I have been here for 14 months 3 days and 12 hours"