For fuck's sake, what a mess to sort out. I can't believe I've mixed their Valentines cards up.
The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to fuck her.
A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?"
The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."
I gave blood today. I know it's not the best gift to give my wife for Valentine's Day.
But it came from the heart.
My girlfriend just told me she thinks my brother is a real ugly cunt.
I wouldn't mind, but he's my identical twin!
I spent 10 years bodybuilding, I dyed my hair black and coifed it perfectly, and got large black glasses all for one reason; So that one day, in a job interview, I could give the perfect answer to a stupid question they always ask: "What would you say is your greatest weakness?"
I would slowly raise my hand, take off my large black glasses, look them in the eye and say,
A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
I was walking through the woods with a young lady and she suddenly burst into tears and said 'I'm Scared..'
'Why the hell are you scared?', I replied, 'It's me that has to walk back on my own..'
I hate it when women say, "all men want is sex." It's a stereotype and total bullshit...
A blow job would be nice too...
I Impress cool people by telling them I'm involved with drugs and have different people in my bed daily.
I don't tell them I'm a Doctor though.
I went to the national history museum yesterday
I said to the guy " how old is that dinosaur?"
he said " 16 million years 14 months 3 days And 12 hours"
I said " that's amazing, how do you know that accuratly?"
he said " it was 16 million years old when I started work here and I have been here for 14 months 3 days and 12 hours"