Feb 7th jokes:

Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she says, "Remember, you have a wife"
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I've just been to see Colin Firth in 'The King's Speech'.

I can't believe he's up for an Oscar. The cunt could barely remember his lines.
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I've just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.

Fucking twat just shaved my pubes off.!
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My secretary sidled into the office, short skirt, black stockings and low cut top. She bent at the waist at the filing cabinet and looked back giving me a suggestive look.

I said, "Twenty years ago I would have bent you over that desk and given you a right seeing to."

She replied, "Oh I don't think your too old."

"It's not me that's too old dear."
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I find hamsters really amusing.

They never make me laugh out loud, but they tickle me on the inside.
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This valentines, I thought I'd go by the phrase 'I love you, more than words can say.' So I wrote fuck all in her card! - In fact, there was no card. Truth be told, there's no girlfriend. I wank a lot
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" Mummy, I'm glad that I wasn't born in France",

" Ah, why's that dear? Because you can't speak French?",

" No, because they're cunts ".
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Saw my ex wife broke down on the road this morning and ended up being late for work.

I had to drive by six times before the bitch noticed me laughing at her.
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I'm ready for work at five every morning.

All I need now is a job.
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Three drunk men jumped in a taxi after a heavy night of binging. The taxi driver figured they were wasted, so when the men got in the taxi he switched on the engine, then switched it off again and told them they'd arrived.
The first guy gave him the money, the second guy said thanks, but the third guy gave him a slap.
The taxi driver was stunned as he didn't think they would realise the taxi hadn't moved an inch.
So he asked, "What was that for?"
The man replied "Control your speed next time, you could have killed us".