feb second...

My New Year's resolution is to stop leaving things so late.
========
Last night, I punched my wife right in the mouth as I was angry at my sub-standard cold dinner.

On reflection, I may have over-reacted.

We were in a restaurant at the time.
=====
When I met Tom Cruise in a bar in Los Angeles I asked him what annoyed him most about being famous.

"That's easy", he replied, "It's all the libellous things that people write about me".

And then he got down on his knees and sucked my cock.
=========
Calling out your ex-girlfriend's name during sex is a nice way to show your current girlfriend that you won't forget her either after you leave her.
========
My girlfriend talked me into getting a circumcision.

I tried to book an appointment at my local surgery for today, but apparently i've missed the cut off point.
======
My wife walked in on me wanking over an optical illusion.

I said, "It's not what it looks like."
======
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself  thinking that she
probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit - well, more than a bit...
We had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever  had a  "Sportsman's Double?"
"What's that,"  I asked, "It's a mother and daughter  threesome" she said.
"Oh" I said as my mind began to embrace  the idea. "No, I  haven't" as I
wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
So we drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was "my lucky
night".
I went back to her place -  We walked in.
She turned on the hall light, and shouted upstairs..
"We're gonna to party, Mom - you still awake?!"
=========
Whats the difference between "Iron Man " and "Iron  Woman"?
One is a super hero the other is an instruction !!