Monday, 14 February 2011

Valentines day jokes..

..although they aren't all about Val;entines day, some of them are :-p

I got myself presentable and ready for the annual blow job this morning, but the missus didn't want to know.....

That was a waste of a lemon wet wipe.


My wife miscarried last night.

She really needs to brush up on her long division skills.


It's going to be a lonely Valentine's Day, so I've stocked up on tissues and Vaseline.

My wife of many years is away on a business trip, and I've got a cold and chapped lips.


"What's funny about buying your wife stinging nettles for Valentine's Day?" asked the florist.

"She's blind" I replied.


It's all about true love on Valentine's Day. That's why I'm ready to give my girlfriend a ring and propose...

...that we break up.

Then I'm gonna put down the phone and continue shagging her sister.


I've found faking an orgasm can make the experience just as uncomfortable for the prostate examiner.


With one half of the country on fire and the other half flooded, isn't there some way of folding Australia in half to cancel out both problems?


I was brutally raped in prison.
If my Dad thinks I'm ever visiting him again, he can fuck the hell off.


I was having a great wank over a video called 'Filthy Piss-drinking Lesbians' the other day when suddenly it froze and my flash player crashed. A few seconds later a pop-up appeared saying 'Do you want to send a crash report?'

No Adobe, no I fucking don't.


Gonna have to write my Valentines card left handed..

Can't let my wanking hand see, will ruin the surprise.