It's Saturday!!!

I was walking behind this woman when all of a sudden she turned round and unloaded a can of pepper spray in my face and kicked me hard in the balls.

"Oh god, I'm sorry," she said. "But I heard your footsteps and thought you were going to rape me!"

"Well, I was only trying to catch the last train," I said, as the burning tears and searing pain subsided. "But now you've left me no fucking choice."

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I've got a great new washing line.

"Hang out the washing, bitch."

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I was in McDonald's and this stunning young girl took my order.
"I can make it large for you for an extra 30p," she said sweetly.
"I'm afraid you already have," I replied, "but how about a wank for a pound?"
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My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'cunt.'

I suppose she's got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother's real name.

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I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis.

Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.

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When I left home, my mum said, "Don't forget to write."

I thought, "That's unlikely... It's a basic skill, isn't it?"

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Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.

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Honestly the wife does get pissed off over nothing, just yesterday I said to her,

"I don't mean to be patronising, by the way patronising means being spoken down to..."

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Why is it that people who become ghosts all seem to die with a bedsheet on their heads?

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A friend of mine was complaining that there's no real comedic merit to sick jokes; that there's too much reliance on a relatively offensive or risqué punchline.

Anyway, we argued about it for a while and then I raped her.

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People can be so 'in your face' these days. Only last night a complete stranger asked me if I preferred legs or breasts.

I told him that, actually, I liked hairy pussys, but it turned out that this wasn't an option with the KFC bargain bucket.

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