I was walking behind this woman when all of a sudden she turned round and unloaded a can of pepper spray in my face and kicked me hard in the balls.
"Oh god, I'm sorry," she said. "But I heard your footsteps and thought you were going to rape me!"
"Well, I was only trying to catch the last train," I said, as the burning tears and searing pain subsided. "But now you've left me no fucking choice."
I've got a great new washing line.
"Hang out the washing, bitch."
I was in McDonald's and this stunning young girl took my order.
"I can make it large for you for an extra 30p," she said sweetly.
"I'm afraid you already have," I replied, "but how about a wank for a pound?"
My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'cunt.'
I suppose she's got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother's real name.
I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis.
Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.
When I left home, my mum said, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely... It's a basic skill, isn't it?"
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.
Honestly the wife does get pissed off over nothing, just yesterday I said to her,
"I don't mean to be patronising, by the way patronising means being spoken down to..."
Why is it that people who become ghosts all seem to die with a bedsheet on their heads?
A friend of mine was complaining that there's no real comedic merit to sick jokes; that there's too much reliance on a relatively offensive or risqué punchline.
Anyway, we argued about it for a while and then I raped her.
People can be so 'in your face' these days. Only last night a complete stranger asked me if I preferred legs or breasts.
I told him that, actually, I liked hairy pussys, but it turned out that this wasn't an option with the KFC bargain bucket.