Saturday, 26 February 2011

It's Saturday!!!

I was walking behind this woman when all of a sudden she turned round and unloaded a can of pepper spray in my face and kicked me hard in the balls.

"Oh god, I'm sorry," she said. "But I heard your footsteps and thought you were going to rape me!"

"Well, I was only trying to catch the last train," I said, as the burning tears and searing pain subsided. "But now you've left me no fucking choice."

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I've got a great new washing line.

"Hang out the washing, bitch."

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I was in McDonald's and this stunning young girl took my order.
"I can make it large for you for an extra 30p," she said sweetly.
"I'm afraid you already have," I replied, "but how about a wank for a pound?"
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My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'cunt.'

I suppose she's got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother's real name.

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I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis.

Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.

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When I left home, my mum said, "Don't forget to write."

I thought, "That's unlikely... It's a basic skill, isn't it?"

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Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.

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Honestly the wife does get pissed off over nothing, just yesterday I said to her,

"I don't mean to be patronising, by the way patronising means being spoken down to..."

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Why is it that people who become ghosts all seem to die with a bedsheet on their heads?

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A friend of mine was complaining that there's no real comedic merit to sick jokes; that there's too much reliance on a relatively offensive or risqué punchline.

Anyway, we argued about it for a while and then I raped her.

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People can be so 'in your face' these days. Only last night a complete stranger asked me if I preferred legs or breasts.

I told him that, actually, I liked hairy pussys, but it turned out that this wasn't an option with the KFC bargain bucket.

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23 comments:

  1. first one and KFC! made my saturday!

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  2. LMAO the McDonald's joke is gold!

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  3. !!Hello man !!!

    Cool post!!


    nice weekend BRO!!

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  4. There's always at least one that makes me laugh out loud.

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  5. Haha that's funny, especially that last one lol.

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  6. 4th and KFC are classic, my 16 year old daughter wondered why I was laughing, she read the kfc joke, shook her head and walked off, that made me laugh again!!

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  7. I lol'd at the ghost one. Glad I'm following!

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  8. I can't believe these! I laughed at the KFC one too... :)

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  9. the first one was good, it would make an interesting short film haha

    http://randomramblingggg.blogspot.com/

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  10. In fact, where I live it's sunday already hehehe :) This text gave me a good laugh :) Thanks!

    Cool blog, following and s!

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  11. Good joke, I wait for next joke, nice post.

    + followed:)

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  12. Noooooooo foreign currency? In MY jokes?

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  13. haha KFC.

    but haven't you done the 6 and 7 joke before?

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  14. These are funny fucking jokes man. You should take them on the road. You're clearly from across the pong. I thought everyone was called a cunt over there, like it was everyone's middle name or something. Definitely following

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  15. love that! keep it up!

    http://all-around-toto.blogspot.com/

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  16. lol all awesome jokes as usual. I love the first one, and the patronising one!

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  17. those jokes are awesome! i got a few evils after telling my girlfriend some of these.

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  18. that last one made me lol hard xD

    nice jokes dude, thanks for the laugh :)

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