Here's today's gems :-p

hope everyone had a happy valentine's day, I watched Die Hard 4.0 again, accompanied by a 24 pack of cider, so all in all, it was a success!
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I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

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My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her vagina so that it felt as though you were getting a blow job.

Which is why I divorced her, because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth, she sounded like a cunt.
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I proposed to my girlfriend yesterday. But my family are all against it, they think its wrong and this should never be allowed to happen.

Especially my wife.

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I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you fucking idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"

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So the new Justin Bieber movie is rated a 12.

That's gonna be embarrassing, not getting into your own film.

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I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, ''I love you.''

She said, ''Is that you or the beer talking?''

I replied, ''Its me . . . . . . . talking to the beer!''
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MSN News has reported: Hippo caught on camera, chasing boat.

I think you will find that it was my wife, and she was Waterskiing.

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Paddy and Murphy are sitting at home. Paddy's reading his new joke book when he shouts, "Murphy close them fucking blinds quick!"

"Why, what's up Paddy?" asks Murphy.

Paddy replies, "Some cunt has been fucking spying on us!"

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I'm so out of practice. Me and the wife filmed our sex tonight to submit for others' enjoyment. It was over so fast I managed to upload it as a jpeg.

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And remember, life is like a penis, it just gets hard for no apparent reason :)