18th Feb!!

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband, a retired military man, and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'

He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married'

She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?'

He nodded and said 'Yes dear', I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those tits and fuck your brains out.'

She giggled and said; 'So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'

He looked her up and down and said; 'Mission Accomplished’.

=======


A friend of mine told me that Lady Gaga is to do a naked skydive for charity.

You've got to admire her balls.

========

I've bought two 100m tickets for the 2012 Olympics.

You should have seen the size of the envelope they came in.

=======

I was at my Mum's when she said "Russell, you're 29 years old now, when are you going to find a decent girl, one with morals, and not the usual sluts you seem to attract, and settle down"

It was at this point my girlfriend left the room in tears.

=======

Told my girlfriend I'd give her £40 for a blowjob and she wouldn't even have to swallow.

At first she was a little unsure but in the end, she agreed.

She wasn't impressed when I then charged my mate £60 and made myself a nice £20 though.

=======

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field
trip to the local racetrack,  to learn about thoroughbred horses and the
supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would
go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys
was waiting outside the men's room when one of  the boys came out and told her that none
of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting
the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from
their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying
not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate
your help.'


=======


My girlfriend came in angry after a night out with her friends.

"Debbie's boyfriend fucks her twice a day!" She yelled. "Why can't you do that?"

I said, "Because Debbie is an ugly cunt"."