I've just been given two weeks to live.
The wife's gone away for a fortnight.
I was chatting up a woman in the pub last night.
She said, "I'm not interested, apparently you're married with 3 kids?"
I said, "No that's not true...... I used to be married with 3 kids".
"Oh, so you're divorced?" she asked.
I said, "No I'm still married, but one of our kids died".
Having just adopted a dog, I Googled 'BRINGING UP A PUPPY' and got 25 Korean Bulimia sites
The new Justin Bieber film has amazing 3D.
It's almost like you could just reach out and punch him.
Contrary to popular belief, chat up lines don't work.
I went up to this girl in the club and said "Did it hurt? When you fell out of heaven"
It's not the best thing to say to a paraplegic.
Sky news -
'Russia in bid for the 2020 Olympic games'
I assume the three legged race will be held in Chernobyl...
I went for a drink with a bulimic girl last night. I was worried about mentioning her illness, but once she had a drink down her she brought it up straight away.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.
I said, "Can I use our son's room for my snooker table now he's not living here?"
My wife burst into tears and ran out of the room.
I said, "Fucking hell, what's wrong with her?"
The policeman said, " Perhaps it was the wrong time to ask, sir. Try again after the funeral"