2 weeks to live

I've just been given two weeks to live.

The wife's gone away for a fortnight. 

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I was chatting up a woman in the pub last night.

She said, "I'm not interested, apparently you're married with 3 kids?"

I said, "No that's not true...... I used to be married with 3 kids".

"Oh, so you're divorced?" she asked.

I said, "No I'm still married, but one of our kids died".

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Having just adopted a dog, I Googled 'BRINGING UP A PUPPY' and got 25 Korean Bulimia sites
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The new Justin Bieber film has amazing 3D.

It's almost like you could just reach out and punch him.

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Contrary to popular belief, chat up lines don't work.

I went up to this girl in the club and said "Did it hurt? When you fell out of heaven"

It's not the best thing to say to a paraplegic.


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Sky news -

'Russia in bid for the 2020 Olympic games'

I assume the three legged race will be held in Chernobyl...

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I went for a drink with a bulimic girl last night. I was worried about mentioning her illness, but once she had a drink down her she brought it up straight away.

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I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

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My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

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I said, "Can I use our son's room for my snooker table now he's not living here?"
My wife burst into tears and ran out of the room.
I said, "Fucking hell, what's wrong with her?"
The policeman said, " Perhaps it was the wrong time to ask, sir. Try again after the funeral"