todays jokes...

I was in the hospital earlier and had a cancer scare.

A bald kid jumped out at me.
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Egypt is insane! I've never seen so many poor people beg for change!
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I was trying to take a sly up-skirt photo of the girl sitting opposite me on the train today, the shock on her face when she heard the camera noise!

Things got worse when the Polaroid came out...
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My friends say that I'm gay because I don't like football.

What a bunch of idiots.

I'm gay because I like cock.
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Some universities have Women Studies, but no Men Studies. That's pretty sexist, but then I realised we do have Men Studies.

It's called History.
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I was vacuuming the other day when I tripped on the cord and landed on the nozzle, which violently entered my anus.

I was highly embarrassed and spent half an hour in the hospital waiting room desperately trying to convince everyone that I had actually been fucking myself with the hoover and that my wife does all the cleaning.
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I was in an English exam and they asked "Write the past tense of 'Think'"
I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'
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I don't understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and people clap and cheer.

I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried.

Plus I didn't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.