todays new stuff

A friend said, "My son has been in a wheelchair since he was born".
I said, "That must have hurt like fuck for your wife".
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A fat kid comes home from school and says to his Mother "I got the highest score in PE today."

"Well done," says his Mother.

"By the way Mum, what is BMI?"
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Did you know that Sean Connery's 80
Roger Moore's 83
Pierce Brosnan's 57
Daniel Craig's 42....oh yeah!

To explain, I'm really into Bond age!
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I don't believe in all that stuff about God being the Architect of the world.

But if he was, I don't like the man.

Nobody in their right mind would get bored of dinosaurs.
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My wife runs the local Weight Watchers group and it's her job to weigh and measure the members.

She calls herself a 'Diet Progress Manager'...

...I call her a chubby checker.
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I dropped my mobile phone in the bath yesterday.

I said to my wife, "My phone is fucked".

She said, "It might still work, have you tried ringing it?"

I said, "Yes, but not much water is coming out".  ======
President Mubarak ... like Robinson Crusoe after an argument.

He's leaving Friday.
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Yesterday the girl I'm seeing said ''I don't want it up the arse''.......

I told her it was tradition for the person with the knife to make those decisions.
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My girlfriend is blaming me for her miscarriage.
I have to admit, it was an awkward fisting session.