Sunday 27th

I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion.
They agreed, so, I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."

"It's a fucking deal," my wife said, with a smug look on her face.

"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

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They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

The pictures on my computer are worth a long sentence.

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Fucking police. The woman over the road stands naked in her window watching me having a wank and I'm the pervert?

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Roses are Red. Violets are Blue. I suck at poems. Show me your tits.

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I just got the job as a History teacher at a local school.

In my first lesson I said, 'there are 3 things you need to know about history.'

Ctrl H.
Right Click.
Delete.

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As I put my glass to the bedroom door, I could hear from the buzzing and the wife's screams, that she'd found my surprise birthday present a day early.

I mean, Where can you hide a hornet's nest for over two days?


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I've just done something you only normally see in porn films.

I sucked my plumber's cock.


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I went into Hallmark cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

She said, "Yes, sir."

So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"

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I don't understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and people clap and cheer.

I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried.

Plus I didn't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.