I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion.
They agreed, so, I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a fucking deal," my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"
They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
The pictures on my computer are worth a long sentence.
Fucking police. The woman over the road stands naked in her window watching me having a wank and I'm the pervert?
Roses are Red. Violets are Blue. I suck at poems. Show me your tits.
I just got the job as a History teacher at a local school.
In my first lesson I said, 'there are 3 things you need to know about history.'
As I put my glass to the bedroom door, I could hear from the buzzing and the wife's screams, that she'd found my surprise birthday present a day early.
I mean, Where can you hide a hornet's nest for over two days?
I've just done something you only normally see in porn films.
I sucked my plumber's cock.
I went into Hallmark cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"
She said, "Yes, sir."
So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"
I don't understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and people clap and cheer.
I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried.
Plus I didn't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.