Sunday 27 February 2011

Sunday 27th

I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion.
They agreed, so, I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."

"It's a fucking deal," my wife said, with a smug look on her face.

"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

 =========

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

The pictures on my computer are worth a long sentence.

=======

Fucking police. The woman over the road stands naked in her window watching me having a wank and I'm the pervert?

======

Roses are Red. Violets are Blue. I suck at poems. Show me your tits.

======

I just got the job as a History teacher at a local school.

In my first lesson I said, 'there are 3 things you need to know about history.'

Ctrl H.
Right Click.
Delete.

========

As I put my glass to the bedroom door, I could hear from the buzzing and the wife's screams, that she'd found my surprise birthday present a day early.

I mean, Where can you hide a hornet's nest for over two days?


======

I've just done something you only normally see in porn films.

I sucked my plumber's cock.


======

I went into Hallmark cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

She said, "Yes, sir."

So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"

======

I don't understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and people clap and cheer.

I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried.

Plus I didn't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.

16 comments:

  1. I love that last joke - one of my faves

    ReplyDelete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lol I love the history lesson joke

    ReplyDelete
  4. oh man i lold with the poem :D

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm gonna use the 'roses are red' poem by the end of today... I just know it...

    ReplyDelete
  6. I wonder if the roses are red poem would actually work...

    ReplyDelete
  7. The first one was my favorite! They were all hilarious though! :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Haha these are always so funny. Liked the one about poems.

    ReplyDelete
  9. the horse one is my favorite for the day haha

    randomramblingggg.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hey that's really awesome! I just stopped by to show my support!

    ReplyDelete
  11. That police one actually has a good point. Apparently, a man naked in his own home was charged and jailed because a neighbour could see him naked (if she tried hard enough). This

    ReplyDelete