My wife asked me "What do you like most about me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
I looked at her from head to toe and replied, "Your sense of humour"
I saw an episode of 'Maury' the other day entitled 'Did my man cheat on me because I only have one leg?'
Allow me to save you 45 minutes of back-and-forth fuck-wittery.
Yes he did.
Today, my wife told me I am immature and need to grow up.
Guess who's not allowed in my tree house now?
She said if I don't start acting my age and being more mature, it's going to erect a fence between us.
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water:-
Number 1 and number 2.
As a grown man I feel awkward admitting that I still play with my train set, so I hide it under the duvet.
No one will find it now, I've covered my tracks.
Life is like a box of chocolates.
Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.
The other day I was having a long argument with a man that burglary is ok.
Sadly he disagreed with me and sentenced me to 2 years inside.
the good thing about getting old is that muti tasking becomes much easier - you can sneeze, fart and piss your self all at the same time.
My missus caught me jacking off yesterday.
She said, "If I knew you were desperate I would have given you sex."
I said, "If I was desperate I would have asked."