today's jokes, 10th feb :-)

I said to the wife, 'You've got to admit that's a bit weird love'

'What?' She replied, '... I'm not the first person to breastfeed an eight year old boy!'

'No.... But I bet you're the only one who lets him finger you at the same time.'
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I can't wait for the midnight premiere of Justin Bieber's movie!

I don't give a shit about the film or anything, but dozens of teenage girls leaving the cinema in the middle of the night is an opportunity I'm not going to pass up.
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I'm not sure what I find more disturbing.

My mum being so adamant that my sister's a lesbian.

Or my dad winking while he says, "She's not, son...

...Trust me!"
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After me and my wife recently got divorced I'm in a really odd place.

I think it's called a kitchen.
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Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into... that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.

Also seven has a hook for a hand, which is very scary. 

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Every night I have a recurring dream that my best friend is sucking my dick.

Should I tell him that he's gay?
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I'm writing a comic about a group of religious superheroes

A-Men!
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I fell asleep watching the Country Music Awards. When I woke up I was missing 4 teeth and I was married to my sister
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Unbelievable.
I've just walked in on my twin 13 year old daughters pleasuring themselves with a deck of cards.

How am I supposed to deal with them now?
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Me and my missus were talking about wet dreams and fantasies.
I told her, "I once had one involving Beyonce"
She said, "Oh did you now? The last one I had involved meatloaf."
I said, " That doesn't surprise me you fat cunt."