The wife told me I should take responsibility for my actions and start admitting when I was wrong.
"Fine," I said, "I should have married your fucking sister."
Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.
Fucking twat just shaved my pubes off.
I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since.
I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.
A girl said to me earlier, "You've got the body of a God, shame it's Buddha!"
I replied, "You've got a face like a princess, shame it's Diana's."
That shut the bitch up.
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and, as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
Stephen Hawking has stated that, "God did not create Universe"
If God DID exist, he'd be pretty pissed off. In fact, if I was god I would probably have gone back in time and punished Hawking in some horrible way...
Nope, no sign of that.
I heard that Justin Bieber has a 10 inch cock.
It's in his ass and belongs to Usher.
You will never guess who I just saw at the petrol station - it was that human torch guy from the Fantastic 4 film.
I tried to get his autograph but he just kept rolling around on the floor screaming.
I've got an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
My girlfriend found my porn collection the other day. Sobbingly she said, "The worst thing is, none of these women even look like me!"
To which I replied, "Well of course not, you've got all your limbs."