Mon 8 Mar

I met up with a girl off the Internet, we got chatting and getting to know each other.

She asked, "What do you love doing most in this life?"

I replied, "Probably drinking with friends."

We paused for a few moments....

She asked, "Don't you want to ask me what I love doing most?"

I said, "I don't need to you fat cunt."

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So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

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My computer lets me save up to a dozen videos of musical concerts.

It has a 12 gig memory

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A girl at work was disgusted when she saw a cum stain on my work trousers.

I apologised and explained I had eaten spaghetti carbonara on my lunch break.

For some reason, pasta really turns me on. 

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The worst English pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.

It really was a vile inn.

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I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage.
I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer.
He said, "You don't really have much of a case."

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I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid bitch"

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A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks, "Did you see my face?"

The hostage replies, "Yes."

The robber takes aim and shoots the man in the head.

He turns to the next man. "And did you see my face?"

"No, but my wife caught a glimpse!"

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I was talking to a shepherd earlier - he said, " I've got sixty-eight sheep, would you like to round 'em up for me?", So I said, "Okay, you've got seventy"

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"I'm going to the doctor," says Mary.

"Why, what's wrong?" asks her best friend Sara.

"I want to ask him how many calories there really are in sperm."

Sara says, "Why worry? If you're swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you're a bit chubby."

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