As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.
"I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside." I said.
Again, he shouted back.
"I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room." I replied.
A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.
"Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes."
It's my birthday today and this hot girl at work that I've been after for ages, called me over at lunch and led me into one of the store cupboards.
She unzipped my pants and sucked me until I was rock hard, then she lifted her skirt and took off her panties. It was fucking amazing!
As we lay there she said, "I bet that's the best birthday gift you're gonna get."
I said, "Yeah, so far, but I don't know what my Mum's got planned for me yet."
I don't know why she thought that was so funny.
The other night I pulled a girl in a nightclub and brought her back to mine for sex. Just as we were about to get down to business she hesitated, saying:
"I don't want to be just another notch on your bedpost."
"Not to worry", I said as I slipped it in, "I don't count the fat ones."
My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.
It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind.
I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andy's mom's toys... especially since they probably have the same names...
I heard a loud buzzing sound coming from my daughters bedroom last night.
As I walked into her room she quickly threw the quilt over herself and shouted, "Dad get out now!" Dad get out now!".
As I quickly shut the door I thought to myself, "Fuck........How big is that wasp?"
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.
I gotta admit that Beyonce is one fine ass lady.
Everytime she comes on the TV... So do I.
My next door Neighbour's Daughter said that when she gets older she wants to marry me!! -Awwww,. I was touched.
A few minutes later, so was she.
My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.
I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."
She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"
"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a shit."