Today I did that thing where you walk into a room and totally forgot what you went in for.
It was only when the shit started running down my leg that I remembered.
My wife walked in as I was giving my dog a blow job.
She said, "That's disgusting, what do you have to say for yourself?"
I just sat there and said nothing.
She said, "The cat got your tongue?"
I said, "Sometimes".
My girlfriend's really upset 'cos she lost her legs in a car crash yesterday.
How about me? I bought her a pair of jeans for Christmas and can't find the receipt.
I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day.
He said, " Only if you make up the time."
I said, " OK. It's 35 past 50."