tips n tricks n jokes: 26th Jan :-p

I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear...

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes."
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Gathered round Uncle Bill's hospital bed, watching the ward's TV and sipping coffee from the vending machine, we reminisced just what a prolific thief he'd been over his life.

As we sat in his front room at home.
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I contracted an oral infection, after going down on some slut. It's caused my tongue to swell up.

It's thickening, really.
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There really is no sense in running from your problems.

Unless they are lions
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I kept getting up late for work so I went to see a doctor who advised that I sleep on a bed of herbs.

Now I always wake up on thyme.
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How do deaf people tell the difference between someone coughing and someone mimicking a blowjob?
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Bill catches a taxi home one evening, the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive.
Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.
A week later he goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn't have any cash but, if he takes him home he'll give him a blow job.
The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.
Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.
So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.
As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up!