11 Febz lulz

After a night out, I dropped the wife off and drove the babysitter home.

As we pulled up outside her house, I turned to thank her and noticed she was struggling to find the door handle.

I stretched across, my arm softly brushing against her breast.

"Oh, sorry about that," I said apologetically.

"That's Ok," she replied, with a certain glint in her eye, "I liked it."

I thought to myself, "Fuck, she's up for it, do I take a chance?"

As I nervously moved forward to kiss her, she slowly closed her eyes and opened her mouth, our tongues met. I slipped my hand up her skirt and before I knew it, we'd had the most mind-blowing sex in the car.

After, I breathlessly said,"Thanks mum, same time next week, yeah?" 

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Boy: Hi
Girl: What?
Boy: How are you?
Girl: Do I know you?
Boy: I'm rich
Girl: Hi, I am Emma I'm 20 nice to meet you!
Boy: No no, "Rich" is my name
Girl: Sorry I don't talk to people I don't know.
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My wife asked me for some money for a new outfit for a night out with the girls.
"Fuck off, I give you enough money."
"Are you scared I might look nice and run away forever with a fella I might meet?"
"Here's my credit card, go fucking mental."
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I got sent out of class today at school.
The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if I called them!?'
I replied, "Hello?"
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I've just finished building Rome with my kid's Lego.

Took me a day.
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I've been wrongly accused of sexual harassment in the workplace, the complainant stating my 'hand brushed against her buttocks'.

I utterly refute this allegation.

It was my penis.
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My ex-girlfriend said the chance of me making her scream with something only 4 inches long was non-existent. I believe I proved her wrong with my Swiss army knife